With Andy's partner, detectivebear on hiatus. I'm putting Andy on hiatus too. When she perks back up, I'll being her back.

Regret.

There’s surprisingly little I regret about being with Bobby. I have regrets, but when it comes to Bobby wasting my time on them is pointless. It’s just that I don’t see the point to wasting my time bemoaning all the things that are wrong or difficult in our relationship. In all honesty, I’ve got better things to complain about, like Gracie waking up in the middle of the night or the baby weight I still haven’t lost despite my best efforts. And I’m more upset about the weight than Gracie’s crying. Gracie’s a baby, she’s supposed to do that. My weight isn’t doing what it’s supposed to be doing, which is go down.

I’m not saying that I don’t have regrets. Being with Bobby has been anything but easy. Often, it’s harder than anything else in my life, but it’s there solid and strong. The regrets I have haven’t weakened anything or made me doubtful. I guess it’s because there’s always going to be regrets in a relationship. You always look back and think, “Wow, I should of done this instead of that” or “God, I can’t believe I said that”.

If you keep looking back though, all the mistakes are going to pile up and you’re going to end things because all you’ll see are the mistakes. You can look back, but you can’t change those things so it’s better to look forward to the future and how to fix these things. Relationships are work and you’ve got to work at them. Spending all your time regretting things is a waste of time.

So, I’ve got my regrets, but I don’t let them rule me.

Therapy was a game for Andy. It wasn’t exactly a good mind set to go in with, but the problem was Andy generally thought of everything as a game. She took therapy seriously, but she also liked to play around every once and awhile. Her therapist was good though. He recognized that she wasn’t always completely serious about things. He tried to steer her back to serious topics and serious conversation, but the problem with Andy was she didn’t go anywhere she didn’t want to. He could push all he wanted, she wasn’t going until she made up her mind to go with him.

“Don’t you think it’s interesting?” He asked, looking at her from his high backed chair.

Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

When Bobby has his good days, this is what it's like. The man I love is coming back to me, like the rising sun, filled with optimism and hope. He smiles, there's a light in his eyes and I can see him coming back. It's a brilliant feeling.
---
You Belong to Me - Jason Wade
And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean
In a silver plane
See the jungle
When it's wet with rain
Just remember till
You're home again
You belong to me

This song makes me think of Bobby's past. He carries it on his shoulders like he atlas or something. I know the song is supposed to be romantic, but I've always found something rather creepy about it. It's obsessive and that's what Bobby's past is to him. He obsesses over it when he needs to learn how to let go.
---
Unwell - Matchbox Twenty
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

It's like a stylized versions of hundreds of conversations I've had with him. He keeps warning me off, telling me to leave. Like it's worked, but he tries because he thinks he's hopelessly messed up. I don't believe it, but he does.
---
Worried Eyes - Eagel Eyed Cherry
I look at you
I hear your voice
I try to remember.....I try to remember
So don't you look at me with worried eyes
'Cause you know we got to try girl

All I know
All I know is I....
Want to be with you...
Here I am and I believe
Yes I do.....What I do, What I do for you

This is a great duet and really great at describing things between Bobby and me. Really, all I want in my life is to live the rest of it with Bobby. All he wants is to have me not worry about him. My part is non-negotiable. I'm going to stick around. And I'm going to worry, even if he doesn't like it.
---
Begin the Beguine - Ella Fitzgerald
A moments divine
what rapture serene
to clouds came along
to disperse the joys we had tasted
and now when I hear people curse the chance that was wasted
I know but too well what they mean

so don't let them begin the beguine
let the love that was once a fire
remain an ember
let it sleep like the dead desire I only remember
when they begin the beguine

Things set Bobby off. Some reminder, some trigger and I loose that sunrise. He disappears on me and I know he doesn't want it, but it happens. The joy goes away and the hardships come back. The foundations crack and it is all we can do to keep it together. I keep going though, I keep going because I need him and I know the sun always rises eventually.

Table C for 10settings

01. Cave
02. Principal/Dean's office
03. Supermarket
04. Movie theater
05. Dentist's office
06. Kitchen
07. Deserted island
08. Amusement park
09. McDonald's
10. Swimming pool

11. Bonus: Mad scientist's lair

Do you have a "type"? Why not, or what is it?

Yes, yes I do and that type is Bobby Goren.

Actually, no, Bobby isn’t my type. At least, he wasn’t. Before Bobby, I had a… taste for bad boys and the SWAT officers. Both very stupid types to have, you know. Bad boys are… bad boys and bad for you. You know that Trisha Yearwood song “Pistol”? Some of the things she sings about, I’ve had happen to me while dating bad boys. Looking back now I realize just how bad those relationships were for me. It’s not surprising though. I don’t do healthy relationships. I could give you a long rant about all my family issues, but I won’t. Instead, I’ll talk about leather.

First time I saw Bobby he had on a leather coat and my bad boy radar went “Oooo, leather”. Bad boys have a thing for leather and so do I. Bobby isn’t your traditional bad boy though. He’s an intellectual bad boy. That’s right, he wears pens in his shirt pocket without a pocket protector. I swoon at the sight of it. Sorry, sarcasm is a default setting. Really, it’s Bobby’s brain that gets him in trouble. He thinks too much and always thinks he’s right in what he’s doing. At times, my relationship with Bobby isn't healthy, a lot like my previous relationships with bad boys. The funny thing is, I've stuck it out. I don't know if that's my stubbornness in the face of adversity or something within Bobby himself that makes it worth it. As difficult as this relationship often is, I love it, I love him and that makes it worth the rough patches.

So, in a way, Bobby is my type, he’s just not my usual type. And of course now, he’s my only type. I still ogle the occasional SWAT officer though. Something about a guy who can bench press me… sorry, my mind wandered.

Share something with your partner.

This is harder than it sounds for me. Since falling in love with Bobby, my life has been an open book to him. If he asks, I answer honestly. There’s no real reason to hide anything from him. Until recently, until his life and thus mine started to spiral out of control. I keep things from him again in a silent effort to keep the weight on his shoulders from getting worse. In the long run, my problems aren’t as serious as his. He’s given me a sense of perspective where now problems that would be major issues are now minor annoyances that I can deal with as easily as swatting a fly. I know he thinks that his problems have ruined my life. They have certainly damaged it, but they have also taught me important lessons.

But, that’s not the point of this, the point of this is to share something. Something new, something I haven’t shared with him before. I want something big for this, something really important. There’s no point in sharing if I don’t make it something big. And, handsome, this is something big.

So, here you go, handsome, something… someone I want to share with you.

Grace Frances Goren
Born: June 7th, 2008 at 3:17 am.

How’s that for you?

Table 5

01.	Hope	02.	Darkness	03.	Celestial	04.	Beautiful	05.	Awe
06.	Chorus	07.	Sadness	08.	Overwhelmed	09.	Missing	10.	Clouds

Things you love about your significant other:
- His laugh
- His smile
- He was drinking green beer
- His hugs
- He decorated the nursery all by himself
- He looks at me like I'm the center of his world
- He kisses me the same way
- He puts up with my bad jokes
- He puts up with my cats when he has allergies
- He puts up with my monster dog
- He'll go out and get me silly foods at even sillier hours
- He likes to hold me when he sleeps
- Have you seen the man? Handsome and he's all mine
- He loves me
- He doesn't care about my insane family
- He's scared of my uncle
- He knocked me up

Things that drive you crazy about your significant other:
[Locked]
- He doesn't see how I can love him
- He doesn't come to me with his problems
- We're never getting married
- He's in pain and there's nothing I can do about it
- He can't see all the good he's done for me
- He refuses to lean on me
- He'll probably leave me again in the end and claim I'm better off
[/locked]
- His gray suit.

Discuss how your personal style is similar to or different from your partner's.

There is little to no overlap in Bobby and my styles. The biggest problem we have with that is art. Bobby loves modern art, I detest it. I don’t think it takes much skill to paint a canvas just red or to set up a neon light in a corner. It’s crap, let’s be honest. But, we’ve come to an agreement on art, we don’t talk about it. If he wants to go to some So-Ho art gallery, I go take a trip to Saks to lust after things I can’t afford.

That’s another difference between us, fashion. As much as I love Bobby, the guy is just fashioned challenged. Okay, that’s not completely true. He does have some very nice suits, minus that gray monstrosity that is banished from our closet. When it comes to casual wear though, it’s jeans and t-shirts. All the time. Occasionally, flannel will make an appearance. I like to hum the Lumberjack Song around him when it does. We live in New York and no matter how tight money is, you can look good if you just know where to shop. I know where to shop, so I rarely look like a bum. I like fashion, Bobby is either ambivalent by choice or just ignorant.

Somehow, though, despite our differences, we’ve managed to make a live-able apartment together. There’s a mix of our stuff around. Sometimes, it gets so mixed I forget what belongs to who. It’s a nice feeling. We’re different, completely different at times, yet we blend and mesh. We’ve made our own style together.

Mark Darcy: I like you, very much.
Bridget: Ah, apart from the smoking and the drinking, the vulgar mother and... ah, the verbal diarrhea.
Mark Darcy: No, I like you very much. Just as you are.

--Bridget Jones's Diary

---

There are times when I just want to bash Bobby’s head in. As much as I love the guy, and I love him a lot, he just can’t seem to get it. He’s always telling me how I can do better, that I deserve better. I swear it comes up in every fight/argument/serious discussion we have. I don’t know why either. I’ve told him hundreds of times and I plan to keep telling him, I can’t do better than him.

From his logical point of view, I can. There are better men in the world, even I can admit that. The little hang up there is that I don’t love them. I don’t love any of them. I don’t want perfect, romance novel, chick flick sappy love story. Please, those are fiction for a reason. They just don’t happen. What I’ve got with Bobby is real. I’ve struggled for it, I’ve fought for it, and all that makes it stronger and makes it real.

If my relationship with Bobby was any other way, I’d be suspicious. Nothing works out like it does in the movies. There are more unhappy endings than there are good ones in this world and when relationships are rocky one of two things will happen. Either the relationship is going to crash and burn or else it’s going to survive and it’s going to be strong. If a relationship makes it through the crap that happens, it’s a better relationship than one that doesn’t.

I’ve seen what Bobby and I can survive and it’s more crap than any relationship should have to survive but it makes me more confident that we’re going to last and making something of ourselves. There are doubts at time. I’m only human after all, but that’s where the love comes in. Love overcomes those doubts and makes you work on fixing things. It bolsters and supports and strengths my determination.

I won’t ever go find anything better because nothing can be better than what I’ve found with Bobby. I love him, flaws, shortcomings and failures. That is what makes this the best thing I’ll ever have.

So, I'm back from vacation. That's all.

If you need me or my muse for anything, just let me know.

Well, this weekend I'll be taking off for Virginia for the Team America Rocket Competition. I'll be leaving early tomorrow morning and be back Sunday night some time. I'm unsure of the internet situation so I could be completely gone or I could be around in the morning and the evenings. I'm not sure. Best to just count me out for awhile. When I get back, I'll play catch up.

1. What's your boyfriend's favorite color?
Answer: Blue

2. What's your boyfriend's favorite city to visit?
Answer: Someplace in Germany I’d guess.

3. What's your boyfriend's favorite vacation destination?
Answer: Germany

4. What's your boyfriend's favorite restaurant?
Answer: Marco’s

5. What's your boyfriend's favorite type of food?
Answer: Italian.